Fear and Anger

Friday Happynings

On my walk yesterday, I passed the bossy French lady who was out on her second walk of the day. I know this because I had seen her earlier walking her other dog.

I had jogged past her on my way out with a bom dia and I had just finished a jog segment on my return trip when she rounded the corner with dog #2. As I said, she’s bossy so I usually decide to start jogging when I spot her on the walking path. Unfortunately, breathing was a priority at that point so an interaction was inevitable.

I’m not good with small talk. You tend to pass the same people on the path every day and a quick Bom dia usually takes care of things. She is a talker and likes to give me advice on how to lose weight which, thank you very much, I didn’t ask for and don’t need. I jog because it makes my exercise session over sooner. I also need to build up my lung capacity. Weight loss would be great but, as my personal trainer used to say, abs are made in the kitchen. (My response was always, “So are brownies.”)

So, she may be a nice and well-meaning lady, but she annoys the living f*ck out of me. Unfortunately, I had nothing left in the tank to start jogging again.

Now, her second dog is a little thing, and he’s aggressive. He is a rescue and probably was abused. His “thing” is to attack people’s feet, whether they are a threat or not. She says he is after the shoelaces, framing it as cute. That’s nice, but I have newer running shoes and I don’t want them ripped apart by sharp little teeth, particularly when my feet are in them.

Since I couldn’t avoid the short, polite conversation, I greeted her, standing back from the dog, which she noticed. Of course.

“I theenk,” (please imagine a French accent) “He ees not aggressive. He ees leetle and I theenk he ees afraid.”

My (ahem) pet theory is that’s exactly why little dogs bark so much: They’re afraid of being stepped on. Understandable. But the vast majority of small dogs do not go after your feet and ankles.

I agreed with her. I said, “People are the same way.”

She looked a little surprised. It was a nice place to end it. I toddled along, overthinking as usual.

Road Rage

Back in the day, I used to teach traffic school for people who had received a ticket and wanted to keep the points off their license. Part of the course covered road rage. By the second or third year of teaching, I had my own theory on everything. (Read: Established curriculum went out the window.)

“Someone cuts you off in traffic. What’s your first reaction?”

The class would respond with variations of the word anger.

I’d say, “That’s your second reaction. What’s your first?”

Sometimes, someone would get it. Most of the time, I supplied the answer: Fear.

“Damn fool nearly killed you. That’s scary.”

We transition from fear to aggression so quickly we don’t even notice the fear. Especially once imminent danger has passed.

Flight, Fight, Freeze, Fawn

Humans react to danger in four ways: Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Fawn.

Freeze and fawn are the lesser-known reactions, or lesser referenced in the pack. Most of us have been frozen in fear at some point in our lives. Fawning is a survival technique that is relatively new to me. When you’re in a situation where you are in danger and powerless (or stalling for time), you ingratiate yourself and compliment the threat source; you try to humanize yourself. There’s a reason why some of us are people pleasers.

Right now, we are in a constant state of fear. It is served up 24/7 by news outlets that are eager for eyeballs, powered by AI bot farms looking to disrupt nations. Fear is also served up by us on social media, endlessly repeating the message. (Just push the “Share” button, and yes, it’s easy for a reason.) We are surrounded by fear. We are put in fear for our livelihoods, our freedom, our loved ones, our lives.

This is all very intentional. Enough people in fear will choose to fight. Especially if they’ve been spoon-fed a narrative that portrays fighting as heroic.

When I see what’s happening, the injustice, the abject cruelty, I want to fight, to somehow transform into a ninja assassin, despite the reality of my age and physical condition.

Here’s what’s important to realize: The nonviolent protests, meeting a show of force with fun, countering oppression with joy, answering brutality with the utterly ridiculous, are working.

Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bad Bunny have it right: the only way to conquer hate is through love.

That’s a hard thing to muster in the face of heinous wrongs. It means you have to work past your first response of fear, your second response of anger and aggression, and move on to making the conscious choice of love and joy.

You also need to trust that justice will prevail which is very difficult when you’re not sure that playing fair will win out over dirty tricks. That only happens in books and movies, right?

Look for the cracks. They are forming. And light is starting to shine through.

Forgive and Forget?

There are two more “Fs”: Forgive and Forget.

With regard to what is going on in the United States, I don’t think I will ever be evolved enough to embrace these two concepts fully.

Forgiveness has to be earned. I don’t know if that’s the “right” way to view it. Show true remorse, show that you have learned something, change your behavior, do something to repair the damage you caused, then we’ll talk forgiveness.

Forget? That’s a hard no. Forgetting is part of the reason that history keeps repeating itself. We do not forget.

And for the record?

Some things are unforgiveable. That’s an important line to hold.